myopia

Megaman at the Office – Episode 1

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Boss: So let me reiterate; dry erase markers are not to be used for marking up the projection screen. The projection screen is not a white board and we do not have budget to replace it again this quarter. I’m looking at you McCafferty.

McCafferty: Hear you loud and clear boss, won’t happen again.

Boss: Moving on, I’m pleased to announce that we’ve made a new addition to the SynerView team. As we expand our screen casting technology to the growing gaming market, we have decided to bring in some new blood with decades of experience and domain knowledge in the gaming space. Please join me in welcoming our newest VP of Sales…

Boss: Megaman!

** Sparse Clapping **

Megaman: Thank you…thanks everybody. You all look like pretty cool people…except you, guy with the ponytail and whoever that dick is reading the newspaper.

Boss: That’s McCafferty.

Megaman: Got it. Well anyways, it’s great to be here and I hope we all sell a bunch of screen casings.

Boss: Screen casting…like being able to show somebody at another computer the stuff that’s happening on your computer…

Megaman: Yes, that stuff.

———————————– LATER ————————————

Megaman: …and I told her you know why they call him Zero right? Haha…you know what I mean? Cause like he’s got just nothing down there.

Sharon: You know Megaman I really do need to get back to work…don’t you have some work to do?

Megaman: Heh…yeah probably. I think I’d rather just hang out here and uh enjoy the scenery if you know what I mean.

Megaman: Whoops! I seem to have lost some of my clothing…

Sharon: ::sigh::

Megaman: So…do you like what you see?

Sharon: Nice bald spot.

———————————– SUDDENLY ————————————

Megaman: Where the hell is my office…oh shit…IT IS ON!

Photocopierman: ::PAPER JAM::

Megaman: If I was still allowed to keep bullets in this thing, I would ruin you right now…

———————————– END ————————————

The Terribly Wonderful Strorefront Murals of East Hollywood

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I’ve lived in Los Angeles for around 4 of the last 7 years, much of that time has been spent in various regions of Hollywood with a couple of long-term stints in the glorious burgeoning hipster mecca that is East Hollywood. East Hollywood has many intriguing features including great ethnic food in Little Armenia and Thai Town, hastily renovated art deco apartment buildings, and adequately gentrified shopping districts in Los Feliz and Silverlake. But one of my favorite parts of East Hollywood has always been the murals, specifically the bad ones. There are plenty of totally decent murals in East Hollywood, and tons of murals across Hollywood at large, but there’s a special flavor of mural that seems to proliferate north of Melrose and east of Western. They’re mostly painted on storefronts, seemingly by artists of widely varying skill-level, and often contain extremely specific depictions of products and brands.

This weekend, while my wife was out winning the Rose Bowl Flea Market (its exactly like the football-Rose Bowl but with distressed furniture), I took a day trip east of Western and into my old neighborhood to snap a few pictures of some of my favorites.

Karate Wall – Santa Monica and Alexandria

Store Owner: Sure nephew, you can explore your emerging interest in art by painting a mural on my store wall! What do you want to paint?

“Artist”: I’m thinking Fat Elvis doing a Flying Dragon Kick at two dudes, with one of the dudes on the other’s shoulders.

Store Owner: Amazing! But can I suggest one thing? Make the two dudes Italian mobster types.

“Artist”: Genius!

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The Golden Globe Nominees for Best Product Placement in a Television Series

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In this age of the DVR, Netflix, and on-demand television via Amazon or iTunes it’s becoming easier and easier to completely avoid commercials. Viewers like myself are spending much less of their lives watching commercials and that’s both driving down the value of traditional 30-second spots and contributing to the rise of paid product placements within the shows themselves. Paid product placement is nothing new (this handy infographic can give you a brief primer on their history) but the amount of money spent by brands on these placements has risen dramatically in recent years and it is now a multi-BILLION dollar market.

With that in mind I believe its time we began acknowledging products for the role they play in our entertainment landscape. Now I don’t want to start giving out Emmys or Oscars to products (let’s not get crazy here) nor should they be relegated to the People’s Choice Awards (that would be just mean). However the Golden Globes (otherwise known as the awards show that everybody gets drunk at) seems like a perfect fit.

Purell – Big Bang Theory



The Big Bang Theory executed three of the most memorable product placements of the year according to a recent Nielsen report. And the October 27th episode featuring Sheldon’s use of Purell after handling another guy’s snake (just go ahead and process that for a second) was the most memorable placement for both the show and the year.

Coca-Cola – American Idol


You know what's inside Paula's cup? Pills...it's just pills all the way down.


Coca-Cola has pledged repeatedly that it will not market its sugar water/industrial strength solvent to children out of respect towards the ever worsening childhood obesity epidemic. However a recent study from the Yale’s Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity has shown that children were exposed to the Coca-Cola brand through product placement 5 TIMES as much as through traditional forms of advertising.


Don't take it lightly? YOU JUST DID!


In the Nielsen report referenced earlier American Idol ranked as the most active primetime television show when it comes to product placements, chalking up nearly 600 product integrations in the 2011 season. Congratulations Coca-Cola and American Idol, you’re leading the charge in keeping America’s children fat and taste in music bland and uninspired.

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The Top 10 Movies Starring Black Actors Dressing Up Like Fat Women

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It must be tough to be an overweight black woman trying to make it as an actress in Hollywood, I would venture to say that it must be damn near impossible. Not only are you competing against negative stereotypes of people that are overweight, black, and female but even when Hollywood does decide to make a movie with a strong overweight black female protagonist more often than not the part is inexplicably given to a comedic black MALE actor. For every Queen Latifah movie that gets the green light 3 more are made starring Martin Lawrence fighting crime in a bad wig and a moomoo.

The trend of casting comedic male actors in the role of loud boisterous black women (most often to comic effect) first took hold in the late 90′s with the release of The Nutty Professor. Then it exploded through the 2000′s, culminating in the rise of Tyler Perry to international fame. To date we are left with a dozen movies made in the past 15 years having collectively grossed over $900 million dollars. Below are the top 10 of this…cinematic canon. Please note I have only actually seen 3 of these films (I’ll let you try and guess which) so the ranking is based largely off audience reception, success at the box office, critical reaction, and my own highly biased and uninformed opinion.

All ratings were garnered from RottenTomatoes.com and box office totals were culled from BoxOfficeMojo.com.

10. Norbit (2007) – Eddie Murphy

Ratings: Critics 9%, Audience 56% Box Office: $95 Million

Have you ever made a big mistake? Like making a film and then realizing it’s two hours of Eddie Murphy dressing up in a fat suit and trying to rape Eddie Murphy? And its a comedy. Norbit makes the top 10 because of its stupid large Box Office numbers (nearly $40 million more than any Woody Allen movie ever), but it gets the bottom spot by being the only movie that not only denigrates black women in its general portrayal but then actually has the balls to make the subject of its ridicule the VILLAIN in the movie! Eddie Murphy’s Rasputia is the Shylock of fat-suit drag comedies.

9. Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011) – Martin Lawrence

Ratings: Critics 5%, Audience 50% Box Office: $37 Million



Not only did the third installment of the Big Mamma trilogy (…god help us) put up the worst box office performance for any major theatrical release of a black comedic actor dressed as a fat black woman, it also received the most negative reviews from both critics and regular film-goers. Among the few and far between good reviews from professional critics is this gem courtesy of Kam Williams at TheLoop21.com:

“What’s funnier than a black dude in drag? How about two black dudes in drag?”

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Weird Science

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I’ve always been fascinated with the future, both in the context of science fiction and the educated prognostications put forth by so-called Futurists (or Futurologists if you feel like pronouncing a word that sounds ridiculous). So the other night I was delighted when an interview with renowned futurist Michio Kaku came on NPR’s Fresh Air with Terry Gross. Throughout the interview Michio touched on an abundance of awesome futury (is that a word? it is IN THE FUTURE!) stuff including internet enabled contact lenses, computer interfaces with the human brain, and self driving cars. But the subject that left the biggest impression on me was the idea of recording and transferring memories and knowledge.


Michio Kaku - Shakes hands with robots, builds particle accelerators in his garage as a teenager, is better than you.


Apparently in the last couple months a study was performed (by scientists no less) in which the activity of a mouse’s hippocampus was recorded as it was learning to perform a specific task. That mouse was then made to forget learning that task with drugs (probably pot, RIGHT GUYS!?). Then the scientists were able to play the previously recorded memory back into the mouse’s brain, and the mouse knew how to perform the task again. This is how Kaku describes it:

“Two months ago, history was made when [scientists] were able to put a memory directly into a mouse. This is the first time in history it has been done — it’s something right out of science fiction. What they did was, they looked at the hippocampus of a mouse, and tape-recorded impulses as it learned a task. That’s the gateway for memory: All memories first go through the hippocampus. They tape-recorded the impulses. Then they gave it a chemical which made the mouse forget the task. Then they took this tape-recording, shot it back into the mouse, and the mouse immediately knew how to do the task.

“This is the first time it has been demonstrated that you can actually tape-record a memory and then reinsert the memory into a mouse and have the mouse perform the task that it previously forgot. The implications of this are enormous. … It means that memories, in principle, might be tape-recorded and then shot right back into your brain or somebody else’s brain.”

The way he keeps saying “tape-recorded” makes me picture a very serious scientist in a lab coat poking a headphone jack into a mouse’s ear. I tried google image-searching that and got nothing so I’ll just have to settle with my stupid imagination for now. Kaku went on to imagine a world where knowledge and experiences can be downloaded directly into the brain cutting out that messy process of having to actually experience or learn things on our own.  That’s some damn good futurology right there.

Futurists tend to look at the utopian aspects of new technological developments, however I’m more of a science fiction minded person and therefore tend to focus on the dystopian aspects of new technologies. You see, we may be on the verge of being able to record and transfer memories and knowledge but we still have no idea how to synthetically CREATE memories or knowledge. We don’t speak brain. And, according to Michio Kaku himself, the technology necessary to speak brain is several decades away.

So now imagine a world in the relatively near future in which you can boot up your internet enabled contact lens, surf through “cyberspace” like Lawnmower Man, and download an experience or body of knowledge from iTunes (cause Apple would be ALL over this) directly into your brain. Sounds great right? Except, until we learn how to speak brain, somebody will have to manually learn that knowledge and actually have that experience that you’re downloading a copy of.

Picture an entirely new class of workers whose job it is to learn subjects and have experiences so that their brain activity can be recorded and sold to millions of other people. At the high end of this market smart middle class kids get educations at Ivy League schools, their tuition subsidized by a company that records their learning and sells it off to the children of upper class bankers, doctors, and lawyers. The mass market equivalent would involve thousands of different vocational knowledge bases like car repair, computer programming, plumbing and heating, etc (“Do you want to make more money? SURE, we all do!” – Sally Struthers every day of my entire childhood). Not to mention mental vacations, songs, books. To drive down costs for the mass market all of the learning and experiencing would be done by those willing to work for the lowest wages, creating a new kind of exploitation where the first world pays the third world to live the boring or difficult part of their lives for them.

And at the bottom end of the market, on the fringes of legality and cultural acceptance, a seedy world of lurid sex and weird fetishes. A black market would exist for those looking to experience pain, murder, rape, and probably even death. Legislating and regulating the creation and sale of this content would be a nightmare, piracy would be rampant, governments would overreact and under-react at all the wrong times. Oppressive regimes would attempt mind-control, religions would find a new method with which to spread the gospel (could you download faith?).


Shitty 90's movie always get the future right...even if they're usually off by a decade or three.


And worst of all, or best of all, millions of people would be living other people’s lives…knowing other people’s thoughts, feeling other people’s emotions, and having other people’s dreams. The borders between self and other would blur, identity as we know it would be lost. Hive mind all up in this bitch.

Is this good or bad? An inevitability or a fantasy? Whenever I have heard older generations speak of new technologies with ignorance and fear I always thought that they were being foolish and I have never sympathized. But if this technology comes to pass then perhaps I will be the Luddite, perhaps I will understand what it feels like to be obsolete.