Is it company policy to fuck up my nugget sauce order? (an open letter to McDonald’s)

by Evo

Dear McDonald’s,

Is it company policy to fuck up my nugget sauce order? I ask this question after much thought, consideration, and (sad to say) experience with your company’s products and services. When I was a small child I would go bowling with my Dad on Sundays, and afterwards we would always go to a McDonald’s across the street from the bowling alley. I would always order chicken nuggets, a 6 piece meal at first and then a 10 piece after you magically convinced all of us that we needed four more nuggets (genius). Even then, between the ages of 6 and 14 maybe, I knew that if I wanted to get the desired amount and type of sauce that I had asked for then I was going to need to watch your entire staff like a hawk. Tracking the chain of custody of my order with my arms crossed, making sure that two packets of bbq and in my later years one sweet & sour (those 4 extra nuggets broadened my sauce horizons) were safely placed on the tray holding my order. If I went to the bathroom, or left the tray picking up to my dad, then there was a 95% chance that I was going to have to make a trip to the counter and lobby for the correct sauce as was ordered.


If you can't get my order right when there are three choices then why would you invent 5 MORE?? YOU'RE KILLING ME!


 

The problem has persisted and only intensified as I have entered adult life. The large bulk of my encounters with one of your locations is now within the context of the drive-thru. If I am in my car going through the McDonald’s drive-thru then I am already feeling bad enough about myself, but your staff takes the opportunity to kick a man while he’s down by either throwing the wrong sauces into the bag (ranch dressing? REALLY??) or completely leaving them out. Many times, in my hurry to not be seen in the McDonald’s drive-thru by any adults that I know, I will speed off without digging through the bag. Now I cannot just walk up to the counter, now I would actually have to turn the car around and even worse get out of it. And now, I have a wife at home that’s expecting me…I can’t spend an extra 15 minutes getting my correct sauce so I just have to go home and fucking deal. Worst of all, most of the time its not that you give me the wrong sauce…most of the time YOU DON’T GIVE ME ANY AT ALL.

Have you ever had a chicken nugget without any sauce? It’s like eating a packing peanut that’s been soaked in Top Ramen broth, freeze dried, and then slighlty warmed up. Nobody in their right mind would order and eat 10 chicken nuggets without any sauce. And yet your employees seem to treat that as the default order, like ordering sauce is some event that happens only a few times a day. Ketchup on the other hand is practically shoveled into my car window, you cannot give me enough ketchup. Do you think I want to bring some ketchup home to the family? Or that I’m building a scale model of Los Angeles entirely out of ketchup packets?


Great, now I feel like painting in water colors.


 

The only conclusion I can derive from all of this is that nugget sauce must be way more expensive than I imagine. Perhaps the sauce is of limited supply, brewed using some petroleum based by-product that only results from an oil refinery technique that is only practiced in the Ukraine. You have probably done studies and figured out that without the promise of sauce nobody would order nuggets, but if you just give people the nuggets that they will still keep coming back in hopes of also getting sauce. Your locations will sporadically and randomly charge for sauce, I’ve seen it as much as $0.25. In all honesty, I am TOTALLY fine with that. But still, even when I’m paying for it, I get the evil eye and the register person looks at me like they’ll be required to do a pile of paperwork after their shift to explain how it is that they actually let a customer have their sauce.

You have some explaining to do McDonald’s. What’s the secret of the sauce? If I don’t receive an adequate response then I will be forced to…keep eating McNuggets cause I’m probably chemically addicted. Damn you.

Sincerely,
Evan Moore

Want more Myopia?

SUBSCRIBE